


The Twelve Days of Christmas

by GokuGirl



Category: Ranma 1/2
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Christmas, Gen, Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-12-21
Updated: 2002-12-21
Packaged: 2018-04-10 19:17:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4404086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GokuGirl/pseuds/GokuGirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ranma is plagued by daily renditions of the popular Christmas tune courtesy of his fiancees. My 2002 Christmas fanfic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Twelve Days of Christmas

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I know now that I made a mistake with the dates.

**Day One (12-14) "And a Partridge in a Pear Tree":**

Ranma Saotome awoke the first day of Christmas Break feeling good. Better than usual, in fact. After he washed and dressed he made it to the breakfast table with time to spare. But he knew that his peace, like always, would soon come to an end.

Someone knocked at the door and Akane said that she would get it. There was silence for a moment then she shouted, "What are *you* doing here?!"

"I have a present for my darling Ranma!" Kodachi Kunou declared as she pushed past Akane and let herself into the house. Ranma looked up, opened his mouth, and words came out in the form of a song.

" _On the first day of Christmas some girl gave to me..."_

Kodachi handed him her gift tied with black ribbon around the neck of the bottle and sang, " _A large bottle of saki._ "

"What the heck is going on?" Akane asked. "Why are you two singing? Not that you can sing, Ranma."

"Very funny, Akane," he replied. "I don't know why I was doin' it. Why don't you ask Kodachi?"

"Fate has chosen song as the way for us to express our beautiful love," she said as she kneeled next to Ranma. "I knew that I was the one for you."

"That's it," Akane growled. "You are leaving my house!" She grabbed the other girl by her collar and began to bodily haul her to the front door.

"No need for barbarics, Akane," Kodachi said as she brushed off the places that Akane's hands had touched. She laughed and called back to Ranma, "I will return, my darling. Be ready for me!" Akane slammed the door in her face and locked it.

"That is one strange girl," she muttered as she went to go have breakfast.

  
**Day Two (12-15) "Two Turtle Doves":**

Ranma was slightly wary as he sat down at the breakfast table the next day. Something was off and he couldn't explain it. Someone knocked on the door and again Akane got up to answer it.

"NOT YOU AGAIN!" Everyone heard her shout. This time Kodachi *and* Shampoo presented presents to their fiancé.

" _On the second day of Christmas some girls gave to me..._ "

" _Two free meals_ ," Shampoo sang as she placed two platters onto the table.

" _And a large bottle of saki._ " The music abruptly stopped and everyone again wondered what was going on.

"Do you think some evil witch cast a spell on them, Tendo?" Genma asked as he swallowed a mouthfull of food.

"I hope so," he replied. "Then we have a chance at breaking it."

"Shampoo hope you like, Ranma!" The small girl said with a bright smile. "Only the best for wo de ai ren!"

"OUT!" Akane shouted. "ALL THOSE WHO DON'T LIVE HERE GET OUT NOW!"

"You calm down Akane," Shampoo frowned. "Shampoo no want to have to hurt you."

"Very rude." Both girls left the Tendo home and everyone was once left in relative peace.

"How come you don't have a present for me?" Ranma asked her.

"Nani? Why would I buy *you* something for Christmas?" She glared at him. "You make me sick."

"Well, you're just an uncute tomboy!" He stuck out his tongue. "I should just go live with one of my cuter fiancés like Shampoo or Ukyou."

"Uncute?" Akane repeated, her face slowly turning red with anger. "RANMA YOU JERK!" Her hand came up and soon Ranma had been slapped yet another time.

"Will that boy ever learn?" Genma asked no one in particular.

  
**Day Three (12-16) "Three French Hens":**

Ranma decided to stay in bed on this day. He had a feeling that both Kodachi and Shampoo would be back and he didn't want to be downstairs when they did. Pulling the covers on his face he successfully went back to sleep.

"Ranma!" Genma shook him ten minutes later. "You have company!"

"Tell them to go awa-" He suddenly sat straight up and began to sing for the third day in a row. " _On the third day of Christmas some girls gave to me..._ "

" _Three boxed lunches_ ," sang Ukyou as she stepped into the room. When he saw the other two behind her he pulled the covers over his head.

" _Two free meals._ "

" _And a large bottle of saki._ "

"Please, just go away and let me be!"

"Hey! You rhymed!" Genma grinned.

"Pop, you're not helping."

Kodachi laughed as she left the room. "Ranma my dear, I shall-"

"I know, I know. You shall return. You're all going to return."

"Bye Ranma!" Shampoo called.

"Bye Ranma honey!"

"Please," he moaned. "Make it stop!"

  
**Day Four (12-17) "Four Calling Birds":**

Ranma spent the entire day before praying to whatever gods he could find, asking them not to send the girls again the next day. He went downstairs for breakfast only to find that they were already there.

" _On the fourth day of Christmas some girls gave to me..._ "

Akane stood up and hit Ranma four times. " _Four painful punches._ "

" _Three boxed lunches._ "

" _Two free meals._ "

" _And a large bottle of saki._ "

"What's next?" Ranma asked. "Five golden rings?"

"You funny Ranma!" Shampoo giggled. "Wo de ai ren *very* funny."

"I wish I was deaf," he laid his head down on the table. "This is awful."

"Why?" Akane asked. "So you can't hear yourself sing?"

"No," he retorted, "So that I can't hear *you* sing." Everyone immediately got up and moved out of the way.

"RANMA YOU JERK!" Soon he was unconscious on the floor.

"Oh dear," said Kasumi as she got to her feet. "I'll go get the first aid kit."

"We'll be back tomorrow," Ukyou said as she and the other two girls let themselves out. "Count on it."

"Ranma, you get better." Shampoo called. "Shampoo see you tomorrow."

He suddenly jumped up and ran from the room screaming, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

  
**Day Five (12-18) "Five Golden Rings":**

The cave Ranma had found in the forest was in a completely remote area. You had to hike into a small valley and climb a cliff just to reach it. He sat huddled around his tiny fire in the weak early morning light, grinning because he was finally alone and away from his insane fiancés. He walked to the mouth of the cave to watch the sun rise and was startled by voices.

"He's in here, believe me."

"How do you know that, Akane?"

"Because I do now come on!"

Ranma's traitorous singing voice betrayed him just as he thought they were going away. " _On the fifth day of Christmas some girls gave to me..._ "

" _Five black roses_." Kodachi placed them at his feet with a smile.

" _Four painful punches._ " Akane managed to hit him in the exact same place she had hit him before.

" _Three boxed lunches._ "

" _Two free meals._ "

" _And a large bottle of saki._ "

After they all filed out of his cave and climbed down the cliff, Ranma sat down next to his little fire and hung his head. He was doomed to listen to them sing and give presents every single day. Someone, somewhere, had it in for him. He just knew it. After eating his breakfast out of a can, he packed up his things and began hiking toward the coast. He was getting the hell out of Japan.

  
**Day Six (12-19) "Six Geese a Laying":**

On the boat he finally felt that he was safe. No one knew who he was besides 'the pigtailed boy'. The only thing he found wrong with the boat trip was the fact that he had no money to pay for it. The captain employed him for odd jobs and deck scrubbing until the voyage to China was over.

"No crazy fiancés," he sighed happily to himself. "No stupid presents. Peace at last!" Then he felt it coming and tried frantically to stop the words from coming out. He had a thought: If he didn't sing the girls wouldn't come. Eventually the words came right on out against his will and more gifts were presented to him.

" _On the sixth day of Christmas some girls gave to me..._ "

" _Six joyful glomps._ " Shampoo jumped from the boat she and the other three girls had been sitting in, over the railing, and, after placing her food on the deck, firmly attached herself to Ranma with a happy smile.

" _Five black roses._ " Kodachi once again placed them at his feet.

" _Four painful punches._ "

" _Three boxed lunches._ "

" _Two free meals._ "

" _And a large bottle of saki._ "

This time all of the girls left except for Shampoo who immediately paid both her and Ranma's passage so that he could be hers to glomp all day.

  
**Day Seven (12-20) "Seven Swans a Swimming":**

Shampoo yawned and stretched like a cat only to once again drape herself across Ranma's body. He opened his eyes slowly and began to inch away from the girl so that he wouldn't wake her up.

"I hate it when she does that," he whispered to himself. "And I hate what she gave me yesterday. Somehow it was worse than Akane's gift."

Ranma walked around the deck searching for any signs of the girls and their boat. Today he would be arriving in China and hopefully Shampoo would get it into her head to go visit the Amazon village. Then he wouldn't have to worry about her 'six joyful glomps'. Just as he was coming upon the place where his walk had begun, he was startled by footsteps on the deck.

"Oh no!" he had time to shout before he began to sing. " _On the seventh day of Christmas some girls gave to me..._ "

" _Seven fish a swimming._ " Ukyou handed him a glass bowl filled with seven goldfish and a container of fish food.

" _Six joyful glomps._ "

" _Five black roses._ "

" _Four painful punches._ "

" _Three boxed lunches._ "

" _Two free meals._ "

" _And a large bottle of saki._ "

  
**Day Eight (12-21) "Eight Maids a Milking":**

"And that's the whole story, Doc," Ranma said to the psychaitrist. "I think I'm going crazy." As soon as Ranma reached China he found a mental hospital and checked himself in. Doctor Sheng wrote something down on her little pad of paper and gave him a sympathetic look.

"Really now, Ranma? Have you been felt any better since you checked yourself in?"

"Hai, Doctor. Much better. I shook off Shampoo and now none of them can ever reach me again!" He laughed and it was tinged with insanity. Doctor Sheng pushed a small button behind her desk and soon two a man dressed in white came in holding a syringe.

"You'll be sleepy soon, Ranma." the doctor said in a kind voice as the man gave Ranma the shot. "You need your rest."

"Rest..." he mumbled as his eyelids grew heavy. "I like rest."

"I'll see you tomorrow, Ranma."

"Tomorrow. Sure." Then he was suddenly wide awake and panicking. "NO! YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE! YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO FIND ME HERE!" There was a loud sound as if something fell down and Shampoo knocked the door down instead of simply opening it.

"Ni hao Ranma!" she greeted. "We finally here!"

" _On the eighth day of Christmas some girls gave to me..._ "

" _Eight rotten apples._ " Akane handed him a paper bag with flies buzzing around it.

" _Seven fish a swimming._ "

" _Six joyful glomps._ "

" _Five black roses._ "

" _Four painful punches._ "

" _Three boxed lunches._ "

" _Two free meals._ "

" _And a large bottle of saki._ "

Ranma blissfully fell unconscious as the tranquilizer set in.

  
**Day Nine (12-22) "Nine Ladies Dancing":**

"Is he going to be okay?" Ukyou asked worriedly as she stared down at Ranma's still form. "I would stop giving him gifts and singing to him if I could."

"Saotome-san is going to be just fine." The nurse wrote something down in her book. "He just needs rest. Lots and lots of rest." She left the room, closing the door behind her.

"I hope that ungrateful jerk stays asleep," Akane said spitefully as she glared down at Ranma. "We give him gifts and he doesn't thank us at all!"

"You give him stupid gifts," Shampoo said. "He no thank you for good reason."

"Oh yeah?" Akane asked. "You want to take this outside?"

Ukyou seperated them. "Ladies please! All of this shouting can't be good for Ran-chan."

During their visit Ranma was having a dream. Actually, it was pretty close to a nightmare. Nabiki, Kasumi, Akane, Kodachi, Ukyou, Shampoo, Cologne, LinLin and RanRan in party dresses twirling at a dance. Cologne in a dress was enough to scare someone but Ranma wasn't truly frightened until his four fiancés began to ask him to dance every five seconds. He awoke very disoriented and mumbling, "Around and around and around, 'round, 'round."

Shampoo, Ukyou, and Kodachi was instantly at his side. "Ranma honey, are you okay?"

All Ranma could stutter out was, "Nine ladies dancing!"

"Huh?"

"What you talk about, Ranma?"

Kodachi rolled her eyes. "Haven't the two of you heard of  _The Twelve Days of Christmas_? It's a song. On the ninth day of christmas your true love gives you 'nine ladies dancing'."

"Is that what we've been doing then?" Akane asked. "Giving Ranma here gifts on each day of the Christmas season?"

"Hai." She was going to say more but Ranma launched into his part of the song again.

" _On the ninth day of Christmas some girls gave to me..._ "

" _Nine dozen cookies._ " No one saw where Kodachi got a huge box of one-hundred and eight cookies from but there it was.

" _Eight rotten apples._ "

" _Seven fish a swimming._ "

" _Six joyful glomps._ "

" _Five black roses._ "

" _Four painful punches._ "

" _Three boxed lunches._ "

" _Two free meals._ "

" _And a large bottle of saki._ "

"Someone, anyone, please kill me now!" Ranma wailed.

  
**Day Ten (12-23) "Ten Lords a Leaping":**

"They won't find me here," Ranma muttered over and over again to himself as he rocked back and forth. "They can't find me here. I'm safe from them. I'm finally all alone."

"Shampoo worried about Ranma," the purple-haired girl said as she and the other three girls stood around the closet. "He not himself."

Akane twirled her finger by the side of her head. "Ranma has officially lost his mind."

Ranma stared at the wall of the closet but wasn't seeing it. He was plagued with images of him in his girl half watching Kunou prance around like a baka. Then his form doubled and doubled again until there were ten of him. Suddenly Ranma shrieked out, "TEN LORDS A LEAPING!" and ran from the closet, out of the room, and down the hall.

"Ten lords a...?" Ukyou asked aloud.

Kodachi explained. "The tenth day of Christmas."

"Aah."

The four of them searched for Ranma for nearly twenty minutes and they found him wearing a orderly's uniform and pretending that he was just a member of the staff. After dragging him back to his room and strapping him to the bed, they each took turns keeping him company until it was time to sing.

" _On the tenth day of Christmas some girls gave to me..._ "

" _Ten bowls of ramen._ " Shampoo went out into the hallway and wheeled in a cart laden with steaming bowls of different kinds of ramen dishes.

" _Nine dozen cookies._ "

" _Eight rotten apples._ "

" _Seven fish a swimming._ "

" _Six joyful glomps._ "

" _Five black roses._ "

" _Four painful punches._ "

" _Three boxed lunches._ "

" _Two free meals._ "

" _And a large bottle of saki._ "

"See you tomorrow, Ranma!" Ukyou said with a smile as they all exited the room. Ranma laid strapped down to his bed surrounded by exactly fifty-five gifts and began to cry.

"Why can't this nightmare end? I've been a good person all my life. I've never killed anyone or stolen anything. So why can't I just wake up tomorrow morning and not have those girls bother me? Is that really too much to ask for?" He went to sleep thinking, 'Of course it is. That's why they'll be back tomorrow.'

  
**Day Eleven (12-24) "Eleven Pipers Piping":**

"Nurse! I would like someone to let me up now!" Ranma shouted. "I have to go to the bathroom!"

After Nurse Shen placed the letters he had received the day before on the bedside table, he got a bedpan from the closet. "I have orders not to let you up yet. You'll have to use this bedpan and I'll have to help you."

Ranma looked at him with wide eyes. "Nevermind. I'll just hold it."

"Ohayo Ranma my dear!" Kodachi said as she entered his room. "How are you feeling today?"

"Terrified."

She began to undo his bindings. "Now these can't be at all comfortable for you. Aren't your arms and legs numb after being in the same position all night?"

"Hai." He stretched. "Domo arigatou Kodachi."

She beamed. "Anything for my darling Ranma."

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO HIM?!" Ukyou shouted as she ran into the room. "I don't want you alone with him at all!"

"Shampoo no like either!" She pulled her bonbori from the special space all anime girls hide weapons in. "Kodachi, prepare to die!"

"STOP!" Ranma shouted. "Both of you stop right now!"

"You're upsetting Ran-chan." Ukyou scolded them. Both immediately put up their weapons and rushed to his side.

"Shampoo no mean to," the small girl said. "Shampoo very sorry."

"It's okay," he said tiredly. "I should be used to it by now." Both of his hands suddenly flew to his mouth and his chest began heaving with the effort of keeping the words inside. But, until the spell ran its course, he was doomed to sing a modified version of  _The Twelve Days of Christmas_.

" _On the eleventh day of Christmas some girls gave to me..._ "

" _Eleven stolen kisses._ " Ukyou kissed him on the right cheek and then the left cheek and then his forehead...

"I'll take a raincheck, Ucchan."

"Sure."

" _Ten bowls of ramen._ "

" _Nine dozen cookies._ "

" _Eight rotten apples._ "

" _Seven fish a swimming._ "

" _Six joyful glomps._ "

" _Five black roses._ "

" _Four painful punches._ "

" _Three boxed lunches._ "

" _Two free meals._ "

" _And a large bottle of saki._ "

"Arigatou Shanghai and konban-wa!" Ukyou bowed and exited the room.

"If today was the eleventh day of Christmas than tomorrow is the last day!" Ranma grinned to himself. "It's finally over!"

  
**Day Twelve (12-25) "Twelve Drummers Drumming":**

"Meri Kurisumasu Ran-chan," Ukyou said as she arrived in his room early Christmas morning. "Today's the day we stop singing this annoying song."

He grinned at her and rubbed his hands together in glee. "I know and I can hardly wait."

"Too bad Akane gets the last turn. I wanted to give you something really special." She smiled. "You know what I mean?"

He frowned. "Iie. What do you mean?"

"RANMA!" she exclaimed in frustration.

"NANI?" he asked equally loud. Then another smile spread across his face and he sang for the last time. " _On the twelfth day of Christmas some girls gave to me..._ "

" _Twelve lumps of coal._ " Akane handed him a cloth bag.

" _Eleven stolen kisses._ "

" _Ten bowls of ramen._ "

" _Nine dozen cookies._ "

" _Eight rotten apples._ "

" _Seven fish a swimming._ "

" _Six joyful glomps._ "

" _Five black roses._ "

" _Four painful punches._ "

" _Three boxed lunches._ "

" _Two free meals._ "

" _And a large bottle of saki._ "

"You and your crappy presents Akane," Ranma frowned. "Don't count on me to get you anything."

"I don't *want* anything from you Ranma!" She stomped from the room. "Ungrateful jerk."

"I'm going to check out of here tomorrow and go back home to Furinkan for training. Ryouga and Happosai could be way stronger than me by now. I can't let that happen!"

"All ai ren care about is fighting," Shampoo frowned. "What about Shampoo?"

"What about you?"

"Stupid Ranma," she muttered as she left the room. "Shampoo should let Akane have you."

"I DON'T WANT HIM!" Came the answer.

"We'll be here bright and early tomorrow morning to pick you up," Ukyou said as she got in her remaining four kisses for that day. "See ya Ran-chan."

  
**Day Thirteen (12-26) "Thirteen Made Up Presents":**

Ranma was packed and dressed by the time the girls showed up and soon he was all ready to go. "I've never felt better in my entire li-" His eyes widened and he sang, " _On the thirteenth day of Christmas some girls gave to me..._ "

Kodachi got a fourth turn. " _Thirteen chocolate candies._ "

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

 

"Ranma! Wake up Ranma!" Genma shook him for the tenth time. "Ranma wake up or I'm eating your breakfast!"

"Huh? What?" He yawned and sat up. "It was just a dream?"

"Hai, Ranma. You were dreaming."

"You were there Pop!" he said. "Everyone was there!"

"Uh, right." His father backed slowly out of the room. "I'll just be going now..."

"RANMA!" Nabiki called up the stairs. "Kodachi's here to see you!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"


End file.
